dudeee niggaaa.

hi guys.

ahhh xanga. oh how ive missed you and your gay ass entries ive written in you.

but heres for an update. i think im gonna use this thing just for this. um where do i startttttt.

friends;;;;
my friends have been amazinggg. ashley & i seem distant lately, and usually id be totally-otally heartbroken, but oddly enough, im not. shes one of those girls who chooses to put somethings before others, and as much as i dont agreee with that, im not upset.  because i have brittany. we've become super-de-duper close in the past month. its amazing, not to mention her dating my boyfriends best friend.  all this has just come to make me realize whos always gonna be there and whos not.. and as much as id like ashley to always be there, im not so sure she will.
whatevvv haha.
also, i pretty much lost every friend i ever owned over in des plaines .. but i really dont give a shit, honestly. you guys are nothing but DRAMAAA.

the bf <3
my jonny <3 he absolutely amazing to me, i cant even begin to explain. he treats me so well and does anything i ask of him. even if i do do his dishes and put condoms on my hand.  he gives amazing eskimo kisses and chipmunk ones too ! he just lives far .. thats all. but i enjoy seeing him every weekend .. just gives me something to look forward to.

school fucking blowss;;;
im failing english. and hiding my report card from my mom.

familyyyy
IM IN LOVE WITH ALL OF EM. hahaha

hi guyss :)

well its been awhile since i updated last .. no one really uses xanga anymore but how else is everyone gonna know what ive been up to ?

lately, oh man .. a lot going on .. where did i leave off ? well

alright, ive had a bad week.

i guess ill start off with sunday night when mario appologized to me .. about all this. and we were back to talking again, i was so happy, cant even explain the feeling. didnt stop smiling once that night .. the next day at school was great, everything was back to normal, same as the next day. everything like our everything we had about 2 months ago ..
so that night, he invited me over, we did what we did, & i began to cry, no, not because of that, because i felt like a booty call, dont ask why, but i did, & he held me, and told me i was much more than that. kissed me, told me he loved me & everything was great.
well to make a long story short, he then tells me that i am too much drama for him & would like to stop talking to me. i cry.
i get a text message the next morning telling me that he regrets what he said, & for me to pretend nothing ever happened & that he loves me. im happy.
things arent the same at school .. he doesnt want me by him at all.
same thing happens the next night, he tells me to leave him alone & to get out of his life. i cry again.
next morning, same text. im happy again.
but again, things arent the same. im ignored a lot.
hm so, i come home & we both agree to try & work things out, well i agreed & he just kinda said " yeah, sure, whatever "
uhm so, next day at school, same thing, just not the damn same.
so i come home yesterday & we fight again .. i got called annoying & im leaving it up to him if this is all over or not, & he cant make up his mind. so im still waiting ..

& you know what ?
i dont really care that im being treated like shit.
as much as i cry, as much as im dieing inside,
i deserve it. i deserve every harsh word.
& im gonna take it all, im gonna take it until i wake up one morning & i dont think of him, im gonna take it until, i dont get butterflies by just the mention of his name, im gonna take it until i dont wanna jump up & down everytime he calls me .. iM G0NNA TAKE iT ALL.

im sure a lot of people would like to say "jamie forget it, he doesnt even care about you" & that may be true .. but i cant face it. & you obviously have never been in love.

ive learned so much the hard way throughout these three years .. feels like ive known you forever. & id do it all again in a heartbeat.

so listen mario - im truely deeply in love with you. & i have been since day one, 7th grade, do you remember that ? i understand what went wrong, i messed up, but im doing all i can, & i understand you dont wanna get attached & ive given you every reason not to, maybe i come off annoying but im trying to prove im worth it .. im worth this chance. i dont plan on ever fucking up again, you taught me my lesson the hard way. things arent going to be the same, this isnt 8th grade, this is 10th & i still dont wanna leave. but i gave you your choice, as much as this is my fault, i cant do this alone, & im hurting so bad with all your harsh words & goodbyes. make the right decision, the one that you want. but dont forget us .. dont forget our nights together, dont forget our play fights, just dont forget what i meant to you at one time .. dont forget me.
i love you so much </3

jamie.

hey guys,

well things are getting to be a lot better. im getting better at putting on a fake smile everyday to show off to all my friends .. im getting better at pretending im not.

but you know what is making me really happy .. like honestly happy ? the fact that youre all believing it.

im sick of moping around & telling myself im useless .. because im not. a lot of people want me to be happy .. & i need to be. it isnt their fault i fcked up. nothing is their fault. no ones but my own. im friends with bri again, & i know a lot of you are like WHAT THE FCK ARE Y0U THiNKiNG ?! but i dont care .. im not gonna lose friends when i need them most .. this is my choice. & nothing is her fault ..

but i miss you .. & i miss the me when i was with you .. i miss that feeling. but im gonna pretend im fine, im gonna pretend. id do nething for you still, & i hope you never ever forget that, no matter what happens, im gonna be on ur side of everything. no matter what happens with us, im here for you.

thanks for all the comments guys. they mean a lot.